


Chasing the darkness away

by Sammynator



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Chick-Flick Moments, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:41:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammynator/pseuds/Sammynator
Summary: Dean has a hunch that something is not alright with Sam. He´s right, as usual, but how can he fix it?The Winchester brothers use their words. Encouragement, feelings and cuddling follow.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 19





	Chasing the darkness away

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, I wrote this some time ago, but now that I´m in self-isolation, I can use some written encouragement and maybe you do, too. Stay safe, healthy and at home, friends!

"Hey Dean. What´re ya doin´?" "Nothing special. You?" "Me neither. I think ´m just going to bed." Sam left the room and Dean settled back in his chair. But something bugged him. Then the alarms in his head started wailing, louder and louder, until he finally got up and made his way to his little brother´s room. He couldn´t put a finger on it, but something was wrong with Sam. His answer… he had slurred while talking and hesitated with his answer, as if he meant to answer something else entirely. Dean just wondered why he hadn´t said anything if he needed him. Maybe he was wrong about this. But better be safe than sorry. 

The older Winchester thanked his instincts thousand-fold when he found a surprised Sam in his room, a half empty bottle of Whiskey in his hand, slumped in his chair and an air of desperation around him. Dean shook his head and closed in on Sam. He kneeled before him and took the bottle with slow, gentle movements. He placed a hand on Sam´s knee and waited for his brother to turn his face towards him again, currently he was looking at Sam´s profile, half hidden by his long hair. "I´m sorry, De." Dean squeezed his leg and ran a thumb over his knee. "There is no need to be sorry. I just wish you had told me today was a bad day." "I wish I could, but", Sam swallowed: "I can´t. I can´t ask for help if I feel like this. I can only drop hints." Dean sighed, but he would lie if he said he couldn´t relate. "I get it. But I´m still glad I´m here now." "So am I." Dean smiled and got up. "Sit with me?"

They moved to the bed, but Sam kept to himself, rubbing his face and eyes wearily and refused to really look at Dean. "So, what´s eating you up that much?" Dean would have liked to wait for Sam to start this tale in his own time, but he still seemed to need affirmation that his brother was willing to listen. "I can´t really tell. Partly it is because I have the feeling like my life is getting out of my hands, disintegrating to sand between my very fingers or burning to ash right before me. But that is just a part of it." Dean waited patiently, not laying a hand on his younger sibling, not wanting to disturb him. "The crazy, creepy part of it is that I have a feeling like I´m standing right beside it and watch my whole life fall apart and laughing at it like it´s a huge joke. Like I´m so used to everything falling apart that I can´t seem to bother anymore. And I don´t recognize myself in that. It´s not that the situation is unfamiliar, but that in my reaction I don´t recognize who I am anymore." A very old memory surfaced in front of Deans eyes, how he held little Sammy when he was just four years old and had his knees scraped in the parking lot. How he cradled and shushed him and wiped his tears away. On days like today he wished he could still do that, hugging and touching Sam and giving him a feeling of being safe and loved. Currently Sam was hugging one knee to his chest, his chin resting on top of it and his damn hair casting shadows over his face. 

"Sammy, that´s okay. It´s not good, but you´re not doing anything wrong. I know how it feels to doubt everything that we are doing and it´s tough, because the only thing that keeps us going is the belief that we´re doing something right. If there is no higher motive behind our work, it´s just madness and cruelty and insanity, so I get why it scares the hell out of you to feel like you´re losing your grip on why we´re doing what we´re doing." Sam seemed to have stopped breathing, he hung to Deans lips like all wisdom of the universe was going to spill from them. The older Winchester could only hope to find the right words for Sam to understand. He stretched out his hand and placed it on Sam´s shoulder, slowly so he had the time to back off if he didn´t want him to. 

"Sam, you´re doing good. You´ve saved the world, you have been tortured and hurt and deceived and still you have this kindness in your soul I never had. I can be kind to people I like, but you, you can give every damn person you meet the feeling that they are accepted and precious and you give them the benefit of doubt. I could never do that. So no matter what happens and if you ever going to saving people and hunting things again or if you´ll just be sitting around, watching TV and going for a walk every once in a while, you have succeeded in becoming the best of people under the worst of circumstances and no matter what happens, this is something nobody could and nobody will take away from you. All that matters in life is being the best person you can, everything else is just bonus, and you are already there. I´m so proud of you. And it´s okay to have bad days, just never forget that you have done a whole lot of good in your life. Don´t give up. If you ever feel like it, drop a hint again and I´m gonna kick your ass." 

Sam huffed and blinked the moisture from his eyes. "But I have made a whole lot of mistakes, too."  
"So have I, but you never just walked away, you took responsibility for it and worked to solve the problems you caused." Sam smiled, an actual smile, small but undeniable. "Thank you, Dean. It meant a lot, all of it." "No big deal. Are you feeling better?"

"A little. But I have to tell you something too." Sam moved closer to Dean and raised his eyes. The look he gave him was so intense that Dean caught himself holding his breath. "If my special ability, the thing I can do better than you, is kindness and empathy, yours is loyalty. What you have done, the faith you have in people without expecting anything in return, standing by them so unwavering that your trust outweighs the doubts they have in themselves, that is what makes you the best person I know, the only ally I´d want, the brother I don´t deserve. I have let you down so many times, but still here you are and talking me out of my head and I don´t even know what I could possibly give you back, because how can I give something if I don´t even know who I am anymore." The younger brother lowered his head again and Dean tried to find his voice, the coordination of his frozen limbs and a way to blink away the tears in his eyes without letting them drip down his cheeks. Then he threw his inhibitions in the wind, pulled Sam close and rested his head on his shoulder. For a few awkward seconds, the taller man froze, than he wrapped his arms around his big brother and held on for dear life, his face hidden in Deans shoulder, his breath hitching, tense and uncomfortable, but not willing to let go anytime soon.

Dean clearly had forgotten what it felt like to hold Sam like this, alive, safe, without the shadow of recent death still hanging over both of them. At first it was strange, but then he felt the warmth of his brothers body seeping through their clothes, his familiar smell, his soft hair tickling Deans face and Dean let the feeling of having a loved one in his arms, someone close and not just a stranger he only trusted with his body, washing over him. Someone who didn´t only touch his body, but his heart and soul. He felt Sam´s tense muscles under his hands relax, one by one, until his little brother was soft and pliant, his breathing evened out, his hands stopped clutching his shirt. Deans eyes slipped close and they stayed in each other's arms and presence for some time, neither could tell how long. 

"Dean?" "Hm?" "What if I don´t get better tomorrow?" "Then I will be there and we´ll try again." Sam huffed. "How long are you willing to do this?" Neither knew if he meant the comfort in general, the hug or something else. "As long as it takes. It´s not like I´m not getting anything back." "I´m glad you say that."

The words died down, comfortable silence filled the room. They didn´t speak as they sank down onto the mattress, still wrapped around each other. They didn´t speak and didn´t open their eyes, but their sleep was peaceful and their dreams full of hope.


End file.
